In mid-January, I visited my cousins in Mississauga and we had dinner together. I showed them the package I'd put together for the Random House competition and they immediately latched onto something that I'd not noticed before -- I use the word "I" rather frequently in my verses. In fact, in about 5500 words, I'd used it 287 times. This worked out to about 9 times per page, which wouldn't be bad if the entry was prose and the lines went right across the page.
This is a prime example of what needs to be altered a bit, so that it's not all "I".
You think that I am so in love with you
That I am blind to all your little cracks.
You really think that I don’t have a clue
How you have mocked us all behind our backs.
You think that there are jokes I just don’t get
And still, you seem to miss the point of mine.
I wouldn’t choose the life you lead, and yet
You seem to think that I’m your clinging vine.
You think that I am seeking an affair
When nothing could be further from the truth.
You keep on telling me you never share
Yet you suspect that I’d be so uncouth.
And so I send this greeting out by stealth:
It’s plain your self-esteem is in good health.
You are quite right. The last line should have had an 'is'. Makes me wonder how long it's been missing? Originally, there was another, nastier, last line about the ego. No idea where it's got to.
3 comments:
At first I thought the meter was off. It isn't. I think I tend to write 8 beats per line and so "I love the Dead" scans better to me, only because it's what I'm more familiar with.
I'm not really getting the last line. At a minimum, it's missing a word (like is in good health.) I don't know if it should be something zingy-er. The writer is getting him back by sending the poem out behind his back. I was expecting something more relating to what she hoped to accomplish.
Or don't listen to me. I haven't written a poem in several years.
Diana
Please keep up the comments. They help me see the work through other people's eyes.
Poetry has always been my venue for 'venting' and 'sorrow'. It just seems to flow under those conditions.
I just thought I'd let you know that I've checked out your blog site.
V.
p.s. I would never (well, there could be a time) comment on someone else's 'works of art'. There is a reason for what they did but who knows...never say never.
Good luck my friend.
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